Pastoral Genocide

March 28, 2008, 5:44 am
Filed under: Beef, Music | Tags: , , , , , ,

Nostalgia is for pussies. Just because something was totally sweet when you were twelve doesn’t mean that anything now that you’re twenty five. I mean, when I was twelve I used to think that it would be totally awesome to have a tree house where a whole bunch of hot, naked babes were just hanging out, ready to play naked Twister on my beck and command. But maybe thats a bad example because I’m still really into naked chicks and flexibility promoting party games and I’m especially into getting broads to do things per my request. Anyway, I digress. Look, my original point was that the rear-view mirror of retrospect is too often reflected with rose colored glass. Things are better in 2008; televisions are bigger, porn is freer, and music sounds better. I’d like to stress the last point, again, for emphasis: music sounds better. I get it: that mixtape you remember making, the one were you accidentally supplanted the last thirty seconds of Bush’s “I Don’t Wanna Come Back Down” with Cracker’ s “Low,” reminds you of riding the bus home, rocking a bowl cut, and being way too cool for your moms. But its not 1994 anymore. So lets just drop the fucking cassette mix tape chatter, ya feel me? Hipsters are main culprits of this dictum. And hipsters are the lowest form of social beast. But then again, who am I to judge? Maybe I’ve been wrong the whole time. Maybe white sport jackets really are cool. Maybe the Electric Six is a good band. Maybe the “It’s the twenty first century but I’ve got a motherfucking Walkman strapped to my tapered black man jeans and I’m wearing these super sweet white PF Flyers” look is actually hottt. Actually, fuck that. I’m not wrong. Hipsters suck, electronic-based sex rock is a fucking hatchet job excuse for music, and scarves with short sleeve t-shirts is the actualized hallmark of a legitimate and resolute queef.

In the name of progress, lets talk about Muxtape. It takes what was great about mix tapes – throwing together a bunch of songs you’re stoked on – and transposes musical wonderlust with the modern convenience of digital media. It’s simple: create an account name (which subsequently becomes part of your personal URL), upload some songs from your computer onto a website, and pass out the link to your crew. The best part is that you don’t have to download either a media player or the song itself. It’s all streaming. Like I said, 2008 fucking rules. And if you’re a hipster, my advice would be to straighten out your act, keep your nose clean, and go tell your barber that you’re sick of looking like an asshole.

(1) Ghosts of Modern Man – Left a Mark (2) Seven Storey Mountain – Politician (3) Andrew Johnson Jihad – Brave as a Noun (4) The Lemonheads – Big Gay Heart (5)Ester Drang- Felicity, Darling (6) Okkervil River – Red, Live (7) Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – Bring it On (8 ) Tom Waits – I Can’t Wait to Get Off Work (And See My Baby on Montgomery Avenue) (9) Black and White Children – Graveyard Earth (10) The One A.M. Radio – Calamity Jane (the David Slade) (11) The Mercury Program – Marianas (12) Unbunny – Snow Tires